As some of my Twitter followers are well aware, I haven’t been in the best frame of mind over the last few weeks. This has mostly come off the back of start of this year being fairly ordinary for me in terms of work, my social life and a few other things. This has all compounded and seemingly got to a point where I’m having trouble quelling the darker thoughts that come into my mind so I can focus on the good things and stay reasonably happy.
So, what I’ve decided to do, not so much in search of reassurance and support but to just get it off my chest, is to do what I do best(ish) and write it all down, perform a little-bit of self-analysis and see what comes of it. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t, maybe you’ll all tell me that I’m seriously screwed up and should probably seek professional help, maybe you’ll just all tell me to man-up, get over myself and stop acting like those whiney emo-punks that I’m constantly making fun of.
Anyway, let’s being and see where we end up, shall we?
So, I’ve been working at the same place from pretty much the moment I finished school (minus a three month stint working for my cousin down in Sydney). I’ve seen the company go through substantial changes in that time – new staff coming in, old staff leaving, changes in the types of work we do, moving to a new office. One thing always remained fairly constant; there was no office-politics, everyone was friends and communication between the various areas of our business, on the larger projects that required it, was never an issue. In short, it was a great place to work. However, something has happened over the last year or so that’s lead to all this being eroded.
So that leaves the question: What do I do about this? The obvious answer is to quit and find myself another job. Something that’s more in-line with what I feel that I want to do with the rest of my life, rather than pursue the career that I just happened to fall into after I finished school. While it’s probably the best option, it’s certainly not the easiest.
For a start, I’m pretty much lacking in certifiable skills in other areas of work. Sure, I hold my drafting certificate and have 6 years’ experience in that field, but that doesn’t help me to move outside that industry. The last job I had before I started working there was at McDonald’s while I was still at school. I’ve also got an overseas holiday coming up in June, not something that a prospective employer would look favourably upon if I was to start working for them before that time. Finally, and probably most critically, there’s still not a lot of work around this part of the world at the moment. Sure, it’s better than it was a year or so ago, but the job market is still pretty tight and I don’t fancy myself having a shot when I’d be competing against university graduates for work.
The second option is to ask if I can move from working full-time to only working part-time hours (as in 3 or 4 days a week). This seems to be more practical and keeps me accruing the various bits of leave I’m entitled to. This is probably the avenue that I’ll end up pursuing even though it doesn’t completely remove me from the things that are driving me up the wall; it will at least reduce my exposure to them.
It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to suggest that, at present, my social life consists of going to work during the day and attending lectures at the university two nights a week. Hardly making me the social butterfly that some of my siblings are. I’ve always been a bit of a home-body, but when the small group of (alleged) friends stop returning your messages and ignoring your requests about having social gatherings even for me things can get quite lonely.
The problem isn’t so much that I’m not going out places. I’ve never really enjoyed bar-hopping as most of the 18/19 year old children out are vile, disgusting creatures, the music the pubs tend to play is largely shit and drinking is expensive if you want anything other than some dreadful local beer. Even having people say that they don’t want to go out doesn’t bother me – I know that people aren’t always available at the drop of a hat, everyone has their own lives. What really gets me angry is when people who constantly have their mobile phone within reach (and we all do now in this day and age) don’t respond, within a reasonable time.
I know many of you have said that I need to go out and find new friends and this is a sentiment that I, largely, agree with and have also, to an extent, gone out and done. Although, this is not something that I find comes easily to me. In a crowd, full of people that I don’t know, I don’t tend to be the most outgoing person imaginable – especially if there’s music or some other distraction that’s there to take my mind of having to communicate with people.
As a result of all this, I’m finding myself spending a lot of time either alone, or at home with only the internet (Twitter) and my family to talk to. This doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the conversations that happen; it’s the lack of face to face conversation with other people, in other environments that I’m missing. Hopefully, this is something that can be rectified through part-time undergraduate study and part-time work next year.
Ha! Not a lot to say here, except to say that since leaving my fiancé a couple of years ago there hasn’t been much.
What little interest there has been has generally been ended with the phrase; “You’re a nice guy, but <excuse>”. Let me say something here: I am seriously over hearing that.
Then there’s the commentary; “Matt, you seriously need to get laid or something. You’re so wound up.” To which I generally respond with “are you offering?” This is generally met with a hasty retreat, a nervous giggle or the previously mentioned line. My question is this: Why tell me to do something, as if you actually care about me, then not bother to actually help me follow your advice? Oh, of course, I’m probably the punchline to some joke you’ve been working on. Good stuff.
So this is where my mind is at currently. This is pretty much the reason why I’m constantly miserable and not finding a lot of joy in anything. I want change, but change is not an easy thing to accomplish. I don’t know. Maybe I am just being a whiney bitch and that it’s just a phase and I’ll get over it and be happy again. Who knows? All I do know is that I’m tired and cranky and it never seems to stop. #grunt
OK, the version of this post you’re reading on my blog has been heavily edited from the original script that I wrote. The main reason for this is (ironically)me not wanting to lose my job as a result of airing my opinions of it in public – I have no idea if anyone from work reads this, they certainly haven’t mentioned anything, but I’d rather play it safe. I also don’t feel quite right about posting 2000 words on something that is, really, quite personal. So the internet is getting a modified version. I have got, and will keep, the full text – because it’s mine and I can do that – however it shall remain for my eyes only.